Transplant Coming....

So, Transplant Day is approaching. We did the pre-op yesterday, at one week prior to surgery. It was a sort of casual formality, a time to say 'I have a cold' or 'Gosh, y'know, I just can't do this'; but I was not in the mood for either. Yesterday I felt really, really calm and at peace. Nothing bothered me, not the blaring TVs in the waiting room (I said - 'Find me someplace quiet to sit' - and they did), not the nurse stressing over the schedule, not the 'other' surgeon filling in for my real one to do a short talk. I watched it all with a kind of untouchable bliss, because we have a date. June 8. Everything up until know has taken 2nd, 3rd place to the effort to get a date for Ben's transplant. And now, things are going at speed, right on course. And I am sleeping through the night for the first time in 2 months. At some incredible peace.

I thought I would record some thoughts about what I am doing and why.

Since Ben first got sick in 1999 - a 'something' blew through and fried 60% of his kidney tubules - it's been a wonder watching him deal with his chronic renal insufficiency with stoicism and courage, but most of all with the just totally sensible perspective that is Benjamin. But although I've marveled at Ben, I've anguished as well. As a parent you want your kids to be born with 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, and everything working OK. And after, however futile the sentiment is, you want deeply to spare them any pain or heartache. And you don't want them to be sick. In any way. So, giving a kidney to Ben is something I can do to help him lead a life that is closer to 100%, that will let him be the independent soul I can tell he is yearning to be right now. And, formerly powerless, something I can do at last to try to fix his illness. And, something I can do to treat my own anguish. Ben really needs a kidney from somebody right now, but frankly, I need deep within myself for that kidney to be from me.

This has really been more of a spiritual than a medical journey for me. I think that is why the medical part has been so entirely [... searching for the right word...] irksome. Thinking about this, it starts with the perspective that in our dealings with one another, we are called to emulate the way that God is with us. Occasionally we get the opportunity, not always by chance or luck or random event, to do something God-like for someone else. Usually for me [because I work downtown] this presents itself as some homeless person asking me for money, and I'm toally out of 1's, and have nothing at all except a $20 bill. I have to smile, and maybe grumble a little bit, at God for cornering me so skillfully. Being God-like is not easy, is it? But the situation is right in front of you, you are in the middle of it in fact, and the right choice to make has been made perfectly clear to you, and no mistake. I feel that way about about being a donor for Ben. I knew tentatively at first, but then more and more clearly, what I was to do.